Kayden Kross Official Blog: For Everything Else, There's Visa @ Kayden Kross's Official Site

Thursday, February 18, 2010

For Everything Else, There's Visa

I was saved from one disastrous impulse buy after the next today. I felt like I had a little guardian angel following me around as I continued blindly and stupidly forward. I affectionately named him Visa, in honor of Neil Gaiman.

It started with a costume store that I'd been meaning to get to because with the release of 'Tyler's Wood' and two features coming up in April, it seemed only natural that I would have a golf outfit. I'm female though. The golf outfit multiplied like a virus into a mermaid outfit, a Raggedy Ann outfit, a belly dancer number, and something with a long-tailed formal jacket. As I started to piece together a Charlie Chaplin idea that sprang into my head at the height of my creative fury, the storeowner went into the back to grab everything in my size. He came back shaking his head with one pitiful thing in his hand--my golf outfit. Everything else was out of my size range. I bought it and left.

I was in Studio City and had two hours to kill before my next appt at the Apple store to fix a glitch I had on the laptop (turns out it was operator error). I didn't want to drive downtown only to turn around and leave again so I started trying to kill time with other errands that could be run. I needed gas. Diesel gas. I couldn't find it though because it's LA and I'm the only asshole left who doesn't drive a BMW or a Prius. I decided then and there that I was going to trade my truck in. I was done. I was sick of the parking issues, sick of the parking tickets, sick of the fucking pedestrians who step in front of me all the time not realizing that my hood is too high for me to see their happy-go-lucky little heads bobbing along right in front of it. That's what crosswalks and red lights are for. I was sick of the $700 registration for my vehicle size and finally I was sick of getting 11.8 miles to the gallon while I spent most of it driving around in situations like these trying to find another place to fill up on diesel. The truck had recently been fully serviced and detailed. It was in perfect condition and there was a CarMax 5 minutes away. It was time.

But first I needed Starbucks.

And when I came out of Starbucks my truck had for no reason whatsoever developed an antifreeze leak. Green mutant fluid was running everywhere. I couldn't trade it in while it was still in the process of hemorrhaging vital fluids. I sighed and drove to the mall instead to wait out the time for the computer appt. There would be no impulse car buying and selling today. I would have to join the legions of BMW and Prius drivers another time.

So the unfortunate thing about this particular mall is the layout. I hit the food court first and opened a book over lunch (by lunch I mean 6pm first real meal of the day). An hour later I was starting to feel strange still sitting around a mall reading the book. I decided to browse as I slowly made my way towards the Apple store. The only interesting thing between my current location and final destination was a puppy store. Fuck my life. That puppy store had Corgis. Very few things can compete with the face of a Corgi puppy.

And I held the Corgi. It was a boy. I love boys. It was brown and white. I love brown and white. It chewed my shoelaces. I love my shoelaces. When I looked up it was 7:30 and I realized I was gonna be late so I handed it back and ran across the aisle. 15 minutes later everything was cleared up and I was back at the puppy store being chewed to pieces and barked at. It was bliss. Blood ran from my fingers. Other customers kept looking over nervously because when he barked he really meant it, then he'd growl, then he'd go in for the kill. I imagined my rabbit living peacefully back at home, my leather couch, my other shoelaces. I watched him chew on a wall corner and I thought of my own wall corners, pristine and white. I watched him piss on the floor and I thought of my beautiful hardwood floors, laid in 1925. I asked how much he was. I winced. But still I wasn't deterred. It was the store that said no, because this one had a cold and he wouldn't be ready to go until next week. I left empty handed, with Visa the guardian angel hanging his head in exhaustion. I found my truck mysteriously repaired. On the drive home I decided to stop for a pint of ice cream on the way. They were out of my flavor.

posted by Kayden Kross on 12:17 AM :: 9 comments

9 Comments:

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked "What are you doing?" The youth replied, "Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them back they will die." "Son," the man said, "don't you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can't make a difference!" After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back in the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said..."I made a difference for that one."
--Loren Eiseley 1978

By Glenn, at February 18, 2010 2:12 AM

"The greatness of a nation and it's moral progress can be judged by the way it's animals are treated. I hold that, the more helpless a creature, the more entitled it is to protection by people from the cruelty of human kind." --Gandhi

By Glenn, at February 18, 2010 2:15 AM

Keep up the good work and write every day, for some reason it's fun to read you, can't tell why.

By Örs, at February 18, 2010 3:03 AM

Whatever you do, DON'T get a Prius! Worst car on the planet. I should know, I helped build the bloody things!

By Paul, at February 18, 2010 5:15 AM

starts as a comedy, ends like a thriller... the script of 'kill bill' isn't yours? ))

By Jeeves, at February 18, 2010 7:33 AM

Sounds like an eventful day. Can't wait to see your new feature dance. And it sounds like that puppy might have stolen your heart. He's cute btw!

By Robert, at February 18, 2010 11:37 AM

what'z up Kayden?
hay my sister is manageer of a
starbucks at safeway here in denver, we get 1,00 lbs of the java tail your spun out on go fast kinda spoiled

By Zimbelman Entertainment i.n.c., at March 2, 2010 3:04 AM

That's a ridiculous rough day dude

By noblelink8, at March 3, 2010 11:09 PM

Thank goodness you didn't buy a prius - I would have lost all respect for your hilarious cynical sarcastic ultra-intelligent dry sense of humor (almost never seen outside we neurotic cynical Jewish New Yorkers). That, and the accelerator might have gotten stuck and you might have driven at 90 mph off a freeway overpass (at least you woudn't have burned any fossil fules doing so).

By Kid Met, at March 13, 2010 1:03 PM