Kayden Kross Official Blog: RIP Gus and Term Papers @ Kayden Kross's Official Site

Friday, December 11, 2009

RIP Gus and Term Papers

I haven’t been doing time changes well lately, and that explains why it’s almost 4am in NYC and I’m up, alone in my hotel room with a computer and an empty pizza delivery box. I’m doing research for a paper that was due two days ago, a paper I should have started weeks ago considering how massive it is as a percentage of my final grade. Normally I at least get these things in on time, even if I’m printing them off 5 minutes before the class is starting. This semester I have met my match. Live and learn.

My abused little circadian rhythm took a double hit when I slept all afternoon, after waking up at 5 am for the Howard Stern show, after going to bed at 2 am, after sleeping 4 hours on the flight here, after not sleeping at all before the flight. Shit happens. Things fall behind and I make up for it by cutting out sleep and playing catch up on Thanksgiving and Christmas when I have days off. Bags have to constantly be packed, houses cleaned, laundry done. I feel like I’m buying rabbit food at an unsustainable rate and only grocery shopping so that I have something to throw away when I get home after a long weekend on the east coast. I double book and somehow fit it in, I switch flights to red-eyes regularly to accommodate, I take naps in the make up room.

Homework sifts itself into the cracks. I got lucky with the Polisci class. I took this professor last semester and he tends to overlap material. Three times now I’ve been able to print out an old assignment with a new date in the heading. He hands them back with the same comments, same grades. Without small breaks here and there I’d have dropped out entirely.

I had to drop a class early on this semester because of the '3 absences or less' policy. I tried to outsmart the future and only signed up for 6 units next semester. December 15th marks the last day of Fall 2009 and I'll be walking away with another AA, this time in Modern Political Science--that is if I actually finish the paper that I'm casually not working on at the moment.

It's hard to know what to take seriously. I've got it all backwards. I like school. School is my hobby. It keeps me grounded. I look forward to it. School is getting in the way of a porn career that is looking up though. Every time an amazing opportunity comes my way I have to weigh it: ditch class again or blow off a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's a muddy decision.

Take today-I went on Howard Stern. I've wanted to go on Howard Stern since I was introduced to "Private Parts" because my first roommate was an aspiring DJ, and like all aspiring DJs, idolized the man. Multiple times I've been slated to be on the show, and multiple times it's been pushed back for any number of reasons. I was a raw bundle of nerves in the green room and then 5 minutes into the show felt completely at home. I'm still elated 20 hours later. I'll never forget it, I got amazing PR, and more opportunities opened up because of it. I spent the last two days catching up on other homework and preparing for this trip instead of writing the paper that I'm still not writing. There is no way in hell I would have put off Stern's show for the paper. It was destined to take the back seat.

Paris: Same deal. All expenses paid trip to the Hot D'or Awards, a black tie event with a pre party ride on the river and two full days to be a tourist when I wasn't filming more promotional bits for Hot Video. And to put a cherry on the whipped cream I took home the award for Best New Starlet. There is no way in hell I would have turned that down to make Monday's class. Especially considering Monday's class regularly cancels last minute. In fact there is a high correlation between me changing flights to make that class and that professor not showing up. But when I booked Paris I missed the Tuesday class's midterm. I wouldn't have changed it.

My goldfish died today. Gus. He's been around for awhile but he certainly didn't die of old age. I killed him. I changed his water too quickly on the way out the door to the next flight. Either the water was too hot or too cold or I didn't put enough water conditioner in it or I put in too much. I don't know. He was alive when I left and he's dead today. The pet sitter let me know as compassionately as he could. He offered to flush him. I told him to lie and tell me he buried him. I was so tired when he told me that I thought he was talking about my rabbit and freaked out. It's sad when a fish dies. It's tragic when things with hair and ears and controlled toilet habits die.

So now the question is why am I blogging instead of writing the paper that I'm writing about not writing. I'm tired. I'm staring at the screen and nothing is happening. I've been doing research for so long that I'm reading through and not absorbing a word. I should be packing for tomorrow morning's flight but I realized that like everything else, I'm behind on the blog.

posted by Kayden Kross on 12:53 AM :: 7 comments

7 Comments:

Wow, you really seem swamped. Hope everything pans out. I mean, wow, all that and your fish died. I will grieve for you because you do seem very, very tired. If words can properly translate emotions then that is what I would say. But you are enjoying your work and really that is a big deal too. "Find something you love and do it", right. Whenever you get a break, it'll be much deserved. I hope you have a nice flight and make up for your paper when you can. Life happens but you seem to be dealing with it very well.

By Sentaiboi6, at December 11, 2009 2:04 AM

As fans, we would always appreciate the time out you would take to send us a personal blog.
We also do care about you.
Life is often about tradeoffs and so we would take the best option, because it is impossible to do everything we would want to.
So, as the Eagles sing about, it's life in the fast lane. You may be nearing a peak, Kayden, and it's not necessary to find a balance, as a balance will find you.
Education is important for you and grounds you, as you think there is life beyond porn even though Jessica is 35 and Nina is 50and they still are doing it on screen.
But life is about choices and we have to take the one that's best for us. It's true that sometime we can lose in the process, because choices are not always repeated, and may never come again. As I see it, you saw those choices and you grabbed them. Good for you, because they may never come around again. The same with AVN. If you win big this year, as you should, does not necessarily mean you would ever have that chance again.
Sure lose some sleep, late with the class paper, make a mistake with the goldfish and life becomes unbalanced.
However, Kayden, the scales can always tip the other way, maybe down a little, before they move up and are balanced again. At the same time you have made tremendous strides and your career has no where to go but up.
Seize The Day young lady. Live each day the best you can and live life to the fullest. Love will find a way and you will find what you are looking for. In the long run isn't that all it's really about. Sorry about your goldfish.

By Glenn, at December 11, 2009 2:11 AM

Don't lose site of how important school is! There is no equivalent to the beauty of knowledge... well, maybe except for Paris.

Yeah, Paris is worth missing school over.

But then again, Paris in-and-of-itself is an educational experience!! (among other things...)

By John-Mikael, at December 11, 2009 10:15 AM

I don't like to suggest to people to drop out of school but your heart isn't in it honey. Besides your already smarter than most of the teachers. I've been through a couple schools and to me for the most part their a racket too. When your looks fail, you can always go back to school. But you won't be able to go back to porn. x! Gus could have died from something else. You cared for him and took the time to change his water. That's all that matters.

By Levi, at December 12, 2009 5:34 AM

I think you should turn this blog in as your paper ;) maybe the professor would have something profound to say to you. There is one thing that we all know with no doubt; guss was loved! He was a very lucky fish.
x!

By Levi, at December 12, 2009 11:45 PM

C'mon Kayden, make some sneak peek of the class. You're very good with camera and it will spice-up the site.

By vartaman, at December 13, 2009 9:59 PM

You're busy, so I'll keep my post brief:

*hugs you*
-Kaijen

By Kaijen, at December 13, 2009 11:34 PM