Kayden Kross Official Blog: Damn holidays make me nostalgic @ Kayden Kross's Official Site

Friday, October 30, 2009

Damn holidays make me nostalgic

I’m on a signing at the A&E store in Tempe, Arizona right now. I had them drop me off at Starbucks so I could study, knock out a few papers, catch up on emails and generally kill time on the computer. I have yet to actually begin one of those papers and most of my emails were spam but I’m really OK with how it’s all working out. I’m working through a short-term burn out after all the traveling, not that I would undo any of it. Not many jobs will pay you to drink in Paris.

I had a free afternoon after I got home last week. I spent most of it studying for midterms knowing I would be going straight from set to the tests and would have no time to catch up on reading otherwise, but eventually I burnt myself out on that too and decided to just jump on my bike and ride around downtown. At this moment in my world there is nothing better than a free afternoon to ride my bike through the third world of LA with the street vendors rolled out on the sidewalks and whole families set up beside a grill selling hot dogs wrapped in bacon on the corners. It feels like I’m crossing the border into another country when I cross the street from Main to Los Angeles and into Santee Alley.

I never leave without a reality check. Part of me envies the kids working side by side with their parents or watching their younger siblings while they play with brooms or toys and their mothers work next to their fathers and their father’s fathers or uncles or brothers or sisters and they all sit around and talk and play cards between customers or walk up and down between shops to visit friends and neighbors. They bring their pets in and put their youngest down to nap in the back room and at the end of the day I assume they go home and cook big dinners with their big families and they may not be rich and they may be uprooted from their own countries but they’re together through it all. I’m their opposite. I’m not clipping coupons and I was born in California, I look so California by foreign standards that I’m greeted with disbelief when I show up without a surfboard strapped to my ankle but at the end of the day my family is 8 hours away by car and my sister is backpacking Europe without a cell phone or reliable internet access and my mother just learned how to text and it’s not unreasonable to think that I may not hear her voice until the next major holiday.

I grew up with a big extended family. My grandparents live in a 5 bedroom house and they had 5 kids who turned around and bought their own big houses for their kids but on Christmas and Thanksgiving and Easter and birthdays we would all end up back at the 5 bedroom house with the lab named Caesar and the old wood stove that never went without a fire and every bed and every couch in every room would be filled with people in sleeping bags and old blankets on those nights. Then my aunt and uncle moved with their kids to Australia, others went on mission trips, others started rotating visits with their in-laws and before you knew it I was living in Southern CA and my grandparents stopped hosting holidays and I really miss waking up to my cousins squealing and running around in footed pajamas on Christmas morning.

posted by Kayden Kross on 4:00 PM :: 7 comments

7 Comments:

Oh, don't worry, Kayden. I'm sure someday YOU'LL have a big family of your own. Then you'll be blogging about the good old days when you were a single adult film star who didn't have to worry about little kids and cousins all the time ;)

I wonder what Matriarch Kayden would be like O.O

By Kaijen, at October 31, 2009 2:51 AM

There may be some pornstar mothers out there. Can someone help me with this. Why not be a star and a Mother too. Darn stretchmarks!

By Glenn, at October 31, 2009 9:52 AM

Kayden,

I can relate. My parents passed in the last few years, so I'm down to four brothers and sisters and their kids. Most of them live out of state; one brother is "only" forty miles away--but between his family and work commitments and the fact that I don't have a car, it might as well be hundreds of miles.

BTW, don't be too envious of those families in the poorer neighborhoods. We've beeen brainwashed by shows like The Waltons and Little House to believe that poverty somehow means more family togetherness; but in reality it's just as likely to be alcoholism, hunger and physical abuse.

I remember a Hollywood Squares question once (Peter Marshall, not Tom Bergeron, which tells you how old I am) that asked, "Who's happier? Poor families or wealthy families?" As much as we would like to think that wealthy families are all dysfunctional spoiled narcissistic assholes, in general rich people are happier.

By Rob, at October 31, 2009 11:55 AM

its okay, Kayden...this too will pass.

By Colin Paul, at November 1, 2009 1:40 AM

we all feel that way sometimes, perhaps not the parts regarding california, but I think alot of us can relate to the feelings you are describing. The love we have for our families is universal. You stand out in a crowd, Kayden, I am glad I came across your post... and if it's what you want, then I hope that there are children in your future.

By Colin Paul, at November 1, 2009 2:18 AM

You can't replace your family. As simple as that sounds, friends will never be able to replace your family. They can add to your family, but never replace them.

I chose my parents well because it put me in a big, very close-knit family. But like with many things, the grass is always greener on the other side. It looks great from the outside, but is hard as hell from the inside. Herding all those kids day and night is damn hard work. Still, I’m glad I have had that time, and continue to have that time.

As far as being wealthy or poor, I had a landlord who once told me when I had lost nearly everything in a divorce: “I’ve been very rich, then lost it all and was very poor. I’d much rather be rich.” I had my family through it all.

By JMStLou, at November 2, 2009 6:44 AM

u should come here to Australia as well.... slow down sip some great coffee on a little cafe by the beach.

you need a holiday.

By Ujwal B., at December 30, 2009 5:36 PM