Kayden Kross Official Blog: Birthdays @ Kayden Kross's Official Site

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Birthdays

It’s my birthday. Or it was my birthday anyway. I got distracted and ended up blogging in pieces. I am disappointed either way. I feel like the intensity that I crossed my fingers with and made a wish on a candle about this time last year should have guaranteed a successful outcome, but clearly this has not happened because I’m sitting here in wonderment at the fact that yet again, I am another year older.

I don’t like this whole birthday thing. It’s a harsh method. Yes, I got to spend it in Hawaii doing Hawaiian things and doing them buzzed on Hawaiian drinks, but the concept of aging an entire year in a day still just doesn’t sit right with me.

I remember being 5 years old on the morning of my birthday and rushing down the hall because there were gifts and most likely an extremely unhealthy sugary breakfast waiting to reward me for merely staying alive long enough to mark off another year. I looked forward to ticking them off. Soon I would be six, and that meant bigger things and more freedoms. I had a bike now and the ways that could be topped the next year made my head spin. My mom laughed and turned to her friend and promised that soon enough I’d be wishing they’d stop coming and her friend laughed knowingly back at her and I thought there must be something deeply wrong with both of them because by the time you were turning numbers like 30 you were probably receiving gifts on a scale that I was not even aware of yet.

OK. I get it and it scares me that I can take some things from my mother’s perspective now. I started fearing birthdays around 18. I figured it would be best to stop there. But then I turned 21 and that was my new ending point. And then 22… 23. Now 24. Ewww. But this is it. I will not age another year from here on out.

The problem with this goal is two-fold. The first issue is that I have neither the supernatural ability to interfere with time nor the mental instability to believe otherwise (but I do keep trying to believe otherwise). The second is that I don’t think I have the attention span to stay my age for more than a year at a time anyway. I definitely would not want to be 18 again. Or even 21. They were both fun years but I don’t think they’d be fun as a repeat. It would just be fun to keep looking 21. I’m working on it.

By the way cardio sucks.

posted by Kayden Kross on 1:35 AM :: 8 comments

8 Comments:

If you are actually the one doing these posts, you are quite a good writer. I never thought I would see this on a porn site from a porn star, but you demonstrate a real ability to give life to a lot of the questions and searching that people experience in life - regardless of what they do for a living. It makes me sad that you don't seem to see much value in life but it's also encouraging that you are introspective and honest with your searching. I sit here wondering what will happen with you on your life journey....

By Allen, at September 19, 2009 10:49 AM

Don't worry, Kayden! :) At least you don't have to look back on your life with the regrets that many people do. "I've never gotten to see the world!" "I haven't done anything with my life!" "I'm getting older and less attractive!" etc.

You've accomplished quite a lot in a very brief amount of time spent in this world.

Don't look at a Birthday as being one year closer to death; see it for what it really is: a celebration of your life and everything you've accomplished thus far.

Happy Birthday, Kayden! You rock!!

By Kaijen, at September 19, 2009 12:22 PM

Wishing you a wonderful 24th year. Lots of awards and recognition. You so wholeheartedly deserve it.
Life is kind of like a carnival ride in a way. You might choose the roller coaster, a very fast ride with many quick turns, loops, breath taking ups and downs, and a few scares along the way coasting in to a pleasant finish. Or maybe a large Ferris Wheel with a great view from the top. The ride is steady and just goes round and round. At the bottom you look up and realize you will reach the top and come back down again. It's leisurely, predictable, and gives some time for reflection. Or you might choose a different ride. Whatever it is, I hope it is the best ride of your life.

By Glenn, at September 19, 2009 2:11 PM

It having already not come to pass, is the wish of your 23rd birthday publishable? Or did you renew it? That would be tackier and more thoughtless than the fans are used to from you.

By mpilnick, at September 24, 2009 12:27 AM

I'm a little late arriving here but Happy Birthday nonetheless!

(or Hartelijk Gefeliciteerd as we saw in my native tongue in reference to your Spanish post)

(24... wait until you get to the age when waking up you feel body parts protesting that you didn't know you had)

By Flater, at October 1, 2009 10:53 AM

My birthday is only a couple of days before yours, and I understand completely where you're coming from. The only day I hate worse than my birthday is New Year's. They are (painfully) pointed reminders of all the hopes you had of the things you wanted to accomplish, but have not yet done so.

I don't walk around all year long moping, but those days are definitely tough. For me personally, I've been wanting to be married since I was 18; I'm now 48; never been married, was engaged about twenty years ago. So each passing year feels like another weight added to the stack on my back.

Then again, Victor Frankl says that we can derive fulfillment from finding meaning in our lives. You should take solace in the fact that you bring some light and joy and beauty into lives like mine, and all your other fans.

By Rob, at October 1, 2009 5:02 PM

Rob: My first marriage was at the age of 52 (but my relationship, as a whole, lasted only ten years to when I was 57). You still have time my friend. Have lots of fun before the wedding happens. Glenn

By Glenn, at October 2, 2009 5:27 PM