Kayden Kross Official Blog: Donkey Dong in the Bum @ Kayden Kross's Official Site

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Donkey Dong in the Bum

After two blogs on oral people immediately started asking about anal and how to get their girlfriends to do it. Must be a subconscious thing. Then we’ll have the phallic stage followed by some latency where I go back to describing my love-hate relationship with chocolate and my balancing act at the gym to keep it all in check and finally come full circle to the genital stage, where I’ll tell you that sex is something that happens in marriage between a man and a woman who love each other very much. That’s what I was told anyway. Of course with an explanation like that I didn’t really figure out what sex was until sixth grade on the back of a school bus. Let me just say that one threw me for a loop.

Butt Sex. For most guys who haven’t had it it’s the Holy Grail. It’s just a matter of finding that chick cool enough to let them get away with it. Here’s a secret—look for the religious girls. I’m not kidding. We called it virgin sex because we met enough girls who will blow you until they’re blue in the face and take your donkey dong up the bum on a first date but won’t have vaginal sex until you put a ring on their finger. Just look for the wild chick from the private college or local ski lodge who practices any one of the Abrahamic religious offshoots and you’re golden. Butt sex express.

Or you can talk the current love of your life into it. Don’t buy that ‘exit only’ line. We’ve been finding alternative uses for things for millennia. It’s what makes us human. Did you know that 25% of the things you buy in a grocery store are made out of corn? I’m not just talking about food. Toothpaste has corn products in it. The very walls that the store is built from will have materials made from corn. If we can find 1 million uses for a starchy vegetable then we can find two uses for a butthole. Or three if you transport drugs in small plastic baggies. That’s not for this blog though and I probably shouldn’t talk about corn either. You get the point.

Ok so now that you’ve blown apart her first defense line let’s get down to her fears: poop and pain. Both legitimate. Poop is a relatively easy thing to solve. First explain the physics of it—poop is not waiting three millimeters past the opening ready to jump out and embarrass her. It’s much farther up, beyond the reach of your penis (unless your name is John Holmes). There is even an extra little valve between your penis and the poop that plays gatekeeper. But she’s going to worry about residue.
WWPCD. What would a porn chick do? Not all of them worry about their diets or schedule meals around anal scenes but some do. If it would make her more comfortable then afford her that luxury. Your goal is a penis in the bum and compromise is key. Let her do the scheduling.

That’s the preventative method. Now for the active role—there are three things that you will always find in a porn set bathroom: douches, baby wipes, and enemas. Porn chicks wash every orifice that they intend to use before any shoot. The enema bottle can be used for a quick rinse and then everyone is residue free, although honestly she probably doesn’t need it and all it does is makes her feel better when you have a goal to reach. Do not use an enema as is if you’re looking for something quick and drama free. The function of an enema is to make you poop. They are medical tools. Empty the liquid and refill with water then follow the instructions on the bottle from there. Now you’re rinsing instead of inducing body functions. Way to go.

There’s one more hurdle though if she’s new at this. You can get her bum as sparkly-clean as possible but once you get into it she might feel like she has to go anyway. Please please please believe her. When we first start having sex we sometimes feel like we have to pee from the pressure. It’s the same thing. The body is not used to the feeling and this may take a few tries to get past. Deal with it and just be glad that the situation is not reversed.

Pain. The worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life was when someone “missed” and I wasn’t expecting it. Do not “miss”. Ever. It’s not funny; it’s not a cute way to get what you want. It really feels like you’re being impaled. In fact if you’ve ever tried this tactic on anyone then you don’t deserve butt sex and I invite you to stop reading. So rule 1: make sure that both of you know when butt sex is going to happen. You don’t have to have a long philosophical conversation about the risks and rewards of sodomy. A nod and a grunt is fine. What I find works well is when the dude in question rubs the head of his dick against my asshole while he lubes up. It feels awesome and it serves as a polite knock without the awkward pause.

And now I’m effortlessly slipping into the discussion about lube. Treat her butthole like the engine of a perfectly maintained muscle car. Would you dare even put a key in the ignition without making sure that you had the right oil and plenty of it under the hood? Aside from wanting to be invited back at a later date your other interest in good lube lies in the fact that buttholes tear, and if you think blood coming out of a vagina is gross then you can imagine how this situation might be worse. Vaginas are made to take a little rough housing but there are a lot more nerves and the lining is a lot thinner when you’re talking about anal sex. Please beware.

Ok thus far things are clean, willing, and properly lubed. Now you have to get it in. I can tell you that the act of pushing a dick in is a lot more comfortable for the girl than when it’s pulled out. I can’t explain it and it goes against reason but just keep it in mind. If you do get it in and she asks you to take it out, do so slowly. Do not expect to shove the whole length of your man meat in with one fell swoop either. Think of the turtle and the hare. The hare will get bucked off and possibly be made to sleep on the couch and the turtle will have a mind-blowing orgasm. Be the turtle. You can change your race strategy down the line when you two are old anal pros but right now you’re asking her body to do something completely foreign while you blindly hump as always. Keep the perspective.

If you think you’re going back to vaginal sex once you’ve stuck it in the butt without a halftime shower then you’d better be prepared to practice celibacy for the next week while she recovers from a bacterial infection. I don’t care how much you washed her butthole. Don’t switch back and forth. You won’t see it happen in 99% of porn. What you will see is a nicely edited scene after the clean up has been cut out. If porn is careful about it then it must be important. We usually cut every corner we can find.

Positions: This is not the time to put her in pile driver or break out the Kama Sutra. Her favorite position for regular sex will probably be the most comfortable position for anal sex, but if you need a hint try missionary. Although the idea of anal in doggy is awesome because of the view it’s probably not something you want to push too soon because of the angle. We’re going for a long-term butt sex relationship with this girl, and whoever she is, she’s relationship material if she’s letting you stick it in the bum. Booty calls are relationships too.

posted by Kayden Kross on 11:35 AM :: 15 comments

15 Comments:

Anal sex can be enjoyed later at night in a sideways position. Best to switch side to side once in a while. Easy to get into a comfortable positon and rock your woman to sleep. Nice easy position for a half hour or so.
If she likes anal try this out. G

By Glenn, at August 8, 2009 1:10 PM

That "Whoops! I missed! :D" method reminds me of a stand-up routine I saw. The comedian said, "My girlfriend asked me why guys always get pee on the toilet seat. I told her it's because we pee by sonar. We just unzip, piss, and start walking around until we hear splashing." The whole "My aim just sucks" excuse has a place in comedy routines, NOT in the bedroom. Besides, if a guy penetrates a girl in JUST the wrong way, she might buck him off in surprise. That could really get his penis bruised up but good. ... Right, Kayden? ;D

By Kaijen, at August 8, 2009 9:56 PM

Hey Kayden, Just wanted to say I really enjoy your articles Kayden. Sex info is great. Gives me some new things to bring to the 'table' every now and then. I also find the insight into what you do really interesting. Thanks for sharing the pieces you do.

And, I can't help but comment on Glenn... You rock a woman to sleep with your member in her butt? I won't proclaim to be an expert in that area, but I know my partner has a strong distinction between sleep and anything sexual.

By Anonymous, at August 9, 2009 7:48 AM

I stopped by to look at this blog and its comments. My `word verification' happened to be `ramist'; a made-up word but something that put me in mind of anal sex that is too aggressive! Ouch. :)

By Firewall, at August 9, 2009 2:17 PM

Glad you took my advice on your latest dribble. How about the next one be about titty fucking, which you can't do with your little A-cup tennis balls. Peace.

By Anonymous, at August 9, 2009 6:26 PM

Anonymous: I would not go so far as to have sex if my partner was sleeping. I think that is an invasion of her privacy. Also I do massage for women, and I would not do that if she was sleeping, as sometimes a woman I massage is very relaxed and rested and starts to fall asleep.
The sideways anal sex positon is a pleasant position to try if you have exhausted other possiblities late at night, you both are tired and still want some closeness. Take it nice and easy and just gently rock her. Have some soft music on and candles burning. If she likes anal, she will love this postion as is very restful from all the other sexual activity that preceeded it. This is a position to rest in because you both are tired, but still a little horny.
If you have a partner that likes anal once in a while, she and you will both enjoy it. Try it out. G

By Glenn, at August 9, 2009 10:16 PM

hey, can anyone answer me what's the title of Ms. Kayden Kross first video after her girls gone wild? thanks.

By DaRk, at August 9, 2009 10:58 PM

Hey, Kayden... Listen, it's good that you allow freedom of speech here on your blog and all, but you really don't have to allow people to insult you here. There's a difference between someone stating an opinion that you might not agree with and someone who just flat out insults you like that anonymous guy did. You don't need to take that crap, especially not here.

By Kaijen, at August 9, 2009 11:02 PM

kayden, i think i love you.

By the artful dodger, at August 10, 2009 6:32 AM

My first video was called "Kayden's First Time". Pretty cryptic.

By Kayden Kross, at August 10, 2009 10:11 PM

Glenn-
The guy who keeps trying to ask you how you know who the real kayden is is the same guy who was posting under the name kayden in the first place. He's just fucking with you. I deleted everything else he put up. He was asking for your email and sending the same senseless insults that I allowed to go through under "Anonymous" above. I'm deleting everything he sends from here out whether he pretends to be me or not.

By Kayden Kross, at August 10, 2009 10:13 PM

Wait, you mean to tell me that when they go from the butt to the cunt, they stop to clean in between? I thought we were all supposed to want to be like yous alls. What gives?

Is you a sex advisor or a sex distorter? Make up your mind.

By Grant, at August 11, 2009 12:02 AM

Thanks, Kayden.

By Glenn, at August 11, 2009 1:21 AM

I think someone's posting as Grant now. Either that or he tried to be funny but that's out of character for him.

By Kayden Kross, at August 11, 2009 1:50 AM

The insults and bizarreness seem to increase, now Kayden has to moderate and we've got impostors haha. Frankly I will take anal bums for 500.

Kayden I thought your first porn was Willy's Wonka's Stuck in the Chocolate Factory?

Or was it Hot Kross Buns?

The internet and wikipedia is seemingly unreliable these days.

Congratulation on the dropping and reduction of some of your charges though pending your failed real estate venture. I recommend investing in Time Shares in Cuba.

By ManWhoCriedSheep, at August 11, 2009 5:40 AM