Kayden Kross Official Blog: Crazy in Love @ Kayden Kross's Official Site

Friday, August 7, 2009

Crazy in Love

So I’m sitting in a hotel room. I’m sore and I’m antsy for two separate reasons mostly related to planes and uprooted sleep schedules. I’ve had four cosmos, at least, but probably more, and the AC cannot battle the humidity any better than the windowpanes can battle the sound of the crickets outside who bark, not chirp.

I spent some time poking around the internet. I got a blog posted that was not well written but got the story across and that was all the energy and/or coherence I could muster. I don’t want to open my book because it’s a good one and not meant to be wasted on times like these, where I will absorb nothing but remember just enough to not want to reread it. It’s a book based on free, on a free economy and how to monetize free. It says free is not going away and I believe it based on countless tube sites who have transformed our industry by giving away stolen content for—you guessed it—free. If it were a Tom Clancy novel though I’d tear through it right now without remorse. I hate him and everything his crap stands for and I like the idea of reading and forgetting it like a cheap whore. Danielle Steel too. If I had a dictatorship there would be book burnings, and anything sold in grocery stores would be at risk. I’d call it “Quality Control”. It has the ring of propaganda to it.

It’s funny what you end up thinking about when you have no deadlines or things to pass dead time. I caught up on Mike’s blog, where Julie Meadows posted a response to a question asked long ago about why us girls end up with those losers. The pimp and ho phenomenon. The bad boyfriends. We’ve all had them.

I can’t say I’ve never had one. I have and he trumps most of the stories I’ve heard. How did I end up with him? Simple. I didn’t know I was dating him. He lied. About his past, his future, his age, his job, his finances. The person I thought I was dating was completely different. And after I figured it out—on his birthday (“I’m sorry baby, I forgot what year I was born” (I’m offended that he thought that one would get by me)), it was absolute hell getting rid of him. Suddenly he had a history of domestic violence, and a history of bumming off of people, and an unstable relationship with alcohol and a whole host of other bigger issues that magically appeared overnight. I still deal with the aftermath of having dated him. You don’t realize how serious a serious relationship is until you meet the person who would use it against you.

But everyone since him has been wonderful. I can’t say I have a history of dating losers. I think these things get blown out of proportion. Nine girls can date great guys and sustain drama free relationships and then you get the one who can’t and you’ve got a story and it propels the stereotype. It seems like we go through life always hearing about but never actually meeting this enormous fleet of psycho exes who are out there running around, lurking in the shadows waiting to key your car or check your phone and run crying to your mother. My theory is that we all get a little psycho in a bad relationship, we all do the things we would never think to do to a close friend or family member. But we’d do it to the person we love most passionately. It’s backwards and horrible but it happens again and again.

Bad relationships and crazy relationships and parasitic relationships are not unique to our little industry. We are just especially keen on airing our dirty laundry and we’ve been catapulted into an especially uneven earning bracket with all other things held equal. We’re a bunch of girls dating the guys were dating before we started making money. The higher earner always seems to give a little support to the lower earner in relationships and men have traditionally held that role. Why would you expect any different in porn, where for once the chicks aren’t banging their palms against a glass ceiling and making 70 cents to a man’s dollar? As for crazy, we date the people we have chemistry with, or at least we try to. What is chemistry other than a magical connection you feel with another person who can fill in the missing parts just right. Don’t you remember high school science with the atoms floating around looking for that other half, the extra electrons to scoop up or the buddy atom who was also missing a few electrons and they would team up because together they were stable. They form a bond. That’s chemistry and when you find it you don’t want to let it go. It can make you crazy and people went crazy and cheated and freeloaded in relationships long before porn and strip clubs came along. Maybe next week we’ll talk about one of the other thousands of things that people sometimes deal with in life that is also not the fault of porn.

posted by Kayden Kross on 1:03 PM :: 10 comments

10 Comments:

Is that you in the picture? Doesn't look like it. Who you trying to kid?

By Anonymous, at August 7, 2009 1:56 PM

Dear Ms. Kross,

Hello! Let me say outright that I am not a fan and that I have never seen any of your movies. Indeed, to be honest, I'm not much into pornography. However, I did discover your blog a few days ago and ended up reading a lot of your postings (at least those freely available). I have been really impressed by how intelligent, well-read and well-written you are, and by your commitment to things like your animals and your schoolwork. (Given that I am in the educational sector myself, this is particularly impressive to me!) You come across as a very sensible and intelligent young woman who is doing what she wants to do and really enjoys it. I can't criticize that, though I must admit to an ongoing uncertainty around questions re: the morality of pornography. These are not questions that I have settled for myself - I think that I can see the multiple and complex issues attached to the debate and, even after 20 years, I find myself unable to come to many conclusions on the subject, beyond adopting a general live and let live attitude.

I just wanted to touch on your past two blog postings: the first, concerning the woman who left porn and badmouthed it on the way out the door: I understand your perspective, but it does seem to me that the reasons someone gets involved in this industry may be quite distinctive. Maybe this other woman entered porn for reasons of her own and found that the industry did not live up to her expectations or made her issues worse. I agree that she should have known what she was getting into, but it is surprising how many times people lack the self-awareness to know what is in their best interests.

Your second blog I thought was very wise. Romantic love is the pursuit of fantasy. And you are quite right to point out that we do things in romantic relationships that we would never usually do. It is a humbling experience to find out, at times, that you are not quite the person you thought you were.

Anyway, I've been thinking of just dropping you a line to say how taken I was with your blogging. Sorry for blathering on and good luck in your career and into the future.

By Shaun, at August 7, 2009 2:13 PM

The best relationships are about fire. You illuminate the darkness or all that needs light in your life. Then you set the night on fire. Then you keep the light burning for as long as you can. Unfortunately, except in very rare cases, the candle's fuse is only so long and eventually will burn out. Fortunately, there are plenty more candles and matches to go around. The only barrier is selecting the proper ones for your life. Love and true relationships are fire.

By Glenn, at August 7, 2009 2:25 PM

Hi Kayden

By Anonymous, at August 7, 2009 3:20 PM

big brother..Kayden

By Anonymous, at August 7, 2009 3:45 PM

Kayden,

I love you, but I hope that was a joke about wanting to institute book burnings.

Not disagreeing that there's a lot of crap out there (I'd put the "Left Behind" series, and Bill O'Reilly way ahead of Clancy and Steele in the queue), but I would hope that given the fact you a) love to read b) love to write c) appear to have the ability to evaluate ideas and think for yourself, and d) love America means that you would be pro-First Amendment and anti- any form of censorship.

The book you're reading on the new economic models being forced by the internet looks really good. It's in my stack. For more recreational stuff, have you discovered Janet Evanovich? Female protagonist, decent mysteries, really great supporting cast and funny as hell.

If you ever want to start a blog sharing ideas from, and recommendations for, books, let me know. I'll be there.

PS You must be a believer in the open marketplace of ideas, why else would you continue to let Grant drivel on. Or maybe that's dribble.

By Rob, at August 7, 2009 4:54 PM

First off, I’m no psych major, so if you’ve got any insights/criticisms of my theory, I’d appreciate hearing them, Kayden. :)

I think the problem with “chemistry” as you’ve described it, is that it isn’t REAL romantic chemistry in the first place. The reason girls seem to wind up with bad boyfriends is because they’re entering those relationships under what I call “emotional illusions.” Take two hypothetical guys: Guy 1 is smart, clean-cut, responsible, and friendly. Guy 2 isn’t particularly bright, is a bit shabby, isn’t good with responsibilities, and doesn’t seem to get along very well with others. If both guys try their hand at entering a relationship with the same girl, she’s going to decide which guy she has better “chemistry” with before making her choice. When she talks to Guy 1, she feels like he’s sane, reliable, friendly and, above all, comforting. When she talks to Guy 2, he doesn’t seem easy to understand. He feels like he might be dangerous or reckless or unpredictable. Above all, he strikes her as exciting.

Excitement has a very close relationship with sex. When you’re excited, your heart beats faster than normal; your breathing is shallower; your body trembles with nerves; and you might even perspire a bit. When you have sex, your heart beats faster; your breathing is shallow; your body shivers and shakes; and you get sweaty. To sum it up: Comfort = non-sexual, Excitement = sexual. Non-sexual = friend material, sexual = boyfriend material.

Love isn’t something that can be logic-ed into. Guy 1 can’t tell this girl, “Listen, I’m smart, funny, talented, have a great job, and intend to treat you much better than Guy 2 ever would.” If she doesn’t feel “chemistry” with Guy 1, he can hurl as many big helpings of logic at her as he’d like and it’s not going to change her mind. The problem with relying on these emotional illusions, is that there’s no way she can even HAVE chemistry with EITHER guy in the first place. Fake chemistry sounds like this, “We’ve only been on a few dates, but I can already tell… he’s the one!” Real chemistry sounds more like this, “We’ve only been dating for a year or so, but I can already tell… he’s the one!” Real chemistry takes time. People are complex creatures. Basing a guy’s value as a boyfriend on very little information and a truckload of feelings isn’t at all a good way to find “Mr. Right.” A nice guy can become exciting. A bad boy can become predictable and lose his excitement. The only way to find out is by really getting to know them before relying on any feelings of chemistry.

And then… well.. then there are the psychos out there like the guy you’re talking about, Kayden. This is the same freak that got you in trouble with the law and claimed you stole his dog, right? My theory: he’s a crazy dick. No criticism for THAT theory, huh? ;D
-Ben

By Kaijen, at August 7, 2009 5:40 PM

Well the picture was creepy with the other dude getting off in the background, it was just an odd picture. Haha obviously you're not going to cater to me, one of the underlings, nor would I expect it. If you actually who or what I am I may get a little more props in this wacky internet world, but I prefer anonymity in this regard, hence why I asked the email thing, regardless I actually wanted to spar with you intellectually. You seem kind of interesting and in my summer boredom I merely wanted to ask your opinion on topics other than porn, life in general frankly.

You women seem to be such a mystery in some regards, and I could probably learn something from you.

By ManWhoCriedSheep, at August 7, 2009 8:24 PM

I think Kaijen probably has it nailed. Unfortunately, I'm always Guy 1, with the additional asset of "not very good looking."

Actually, there are some recent university studies that back this stuff up. Which is why, Grant, I find myself on this blog and not on an island paradise with Ms. Perfect.

Hey, if I have to have a stand in for my nonexistent lover, I figure I can't do any better than Kayden, right?

By Rob, at August 8, 2009 1:18 AM

Does this mean that you, Ms. Kayden, have found that special someone that you are crazy in love with?

By Anonymous, at August 8, 2009 4:32 PM